Awakening

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As I lay last night in my bed, I pondered how much I’ve learned these past few months of being married and living apart from my husband. Initially, I derived every feeling, happiness, joy, sadness, *insert a hundred others here*, from my husband ‘I’. If he stopped talking or we had a fight, my whole evening would be spent sobbing, sagging, wailing and whining, being resentful towards him. Consequently in the morning, I’d blame him for making me go through hell, my swollen eyes and, at times, my runny nose *clears throat*. So, months passed by, whenever I didn’t get any of the above from him I would go hysterical, thinking my life had ended and that I’d die without him and more emotional ridiculously romantic thoughts. Until one day, when I was going through the same exhaustively-emotional-traumatic routine and I threatened him with divorce and suicide, that is when he called my mother, telling her what a pain in the ass her daughter had been. THAT day, was the turning point in my life! God has a way of taking you out of the dark pit, indeed.

In my last post, I mentioned how my marriage was falling apart and I didn’t know how to put it right. Well, it was I who was falling apart. I was lost, completely helpless because I had written down the formula of my life all wrong. My life equation had one variable and that was my husband “I”. So I struggled, with a mere human, to give me everything, which I was missing. I thought of him as my knight in shinning armor, as my prince charming and my man who’d sweep me off my feet and ride me to my happily ever after. I was wrong. He still is my hero, but he’s not my prince charming or my knight anymore, because that would be expecting too much from a human who has his own baggage. He’s stronger than me, physically but God has made me the one with strong brains and emotions and so I discovered my strength. 

After he called my mother the second time, narrating all I had done through his eyes. I was shocked, because I didn’t expect that my prince actually thought this about me and that “the one” would ever be fed up of me. Because in my view, I had found a man who would complete me, who’d take everything and still be mine. Who would give me the world and make me the queen. So all my dreams came down with a bang! 

Now, I’m sitting here listening to songs, singing to myself and feeling eternally happy even though, I’ve fought with my husband, again (well, can’t help that). You would probably ask why? Because I realized that if there was anybody in this world who could make me happy, that was ME. It was all about choosing the path I wanted to take, to be weak enough or to be strong enough. So I chose to be strong. I still fight with ‘I’, in fact, at times, I even feel hated by him, and daily he reminds me how inadequate and flawed I am, the hatred part does bother me a bit, and I do think how it would feel to be treated as a queen by your spouse, as some woman portray it, but overall I am a happy, calmer person. The thought that I would die without him has been replaced by a more practical thought, that him not being there would be difficult but it won’t kill me and if not for him then there would be someone else, loving me as much to fill the hole, that is how God has planned it. I don’t feel the urge to text him all the time, I don’t mind if he doesn’t call me anymore, I don’t feel the need to ask him for affection, attention and love. As a result, I feel grateful even if he gives me a little, I feel more fulfilled and I appreciate his little efforts more, which were lost on me before.

Always, give your best to your spouse, give your all, stand by him through every difficulty, don’t think of abandoning him if he doesn’t serve your needs, think about making your life better and your life can only be better if YOU are a happy, fulfilled, complete person, who is independent emotionally. So, don’t go after your husbands, he’ll only go farther away from you. If he wants to go to another woman, you can not stop him. So let him go. First, the thought of my husband in the arms of another woman would set me on fire, but now, I would only feel betrayal but it won’t *hurt* me like before because I understand that he is a whole independent human being and so am I.

Be happy. Be strong!

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