Awakening

marriage-cartoon-proposal

As I lay last night in my bed, I pondered how much I’ve learned these past few months of being married and living apart from my husband. Initially, I derived every feeling, happiness, joy, sadness, *insert a hundred others here*, from my husband ‘I’. If he stopped talking or we had a fight, my whole evening would be spent sobbing, sagging, wailing and whining, being resentful towards him. Consequently in the morning, I’d blame him for making me go through hell, my swollen eyes and, at times, my runny nose *clears throat*. So, months passed by, whenever I didn’t get any of the above from him I would go hysterical, thinking my life had ended and that I’d die without him and more emotional ridiculously romantic thoughts. Until one day, when I was going through the same exhaustively-emotional-traumatic routine and I threatened him with divorce and suicide, that is when he called my mother, telling her what a pain in the ass her daughter had been. THAT day, was the turning point in my life! God has a way of taking you out of the dark pit, indeed.

In my last post, I mentioned how my marriage was falling apart and I didn’t know how to put it right. Well, it was I who was falling apart. I was lost, completely helpless because I had written down the formula of my life all wrong. My life equation had one variable and that was my husband “I”. So I struggled, with a mere human, to give me everything, which I was missing. I thought of him as my knight in shinning armor, as my prince charming and my man who’d sweep me off my feet and ride me to my happily ever after. I was wrong. He still is my hero, but he’s not my prince charming or my knight anymore, because that would be expecting too much from a human who has his own baggage. He’s stronger than me, physically but God has made me the one with strong brains and emotions and so I discovered my strength. 

After he called my mother the second time, narrating all I had done through his eyes. I was shocked, because I didn’t expect that my prince actually thought this about me and that “the one” would ever be fed up of me. Because in my view, I had found a man who would complete me, who’d take everything and still be mine. Who would give me the world and make me the queen. So all my dreams came down with a bang! 

Now, I’m sitting here listening to songs, singing to myself and feeling eternally happy even though, I’ve fought with my husband, again (well, can’t help that). You would probably ask why? Because I realized that if there was anybody in this world who could make me happy, that was ME. It was all about choosing the path I wanted to take, to be weak enough or to be strong enough. So I chose to be strong. I still fight with ‘I’, in fact, at times, I even feel hated by him, and daily he reminds me how inadequate and flawed I am, the hatred part does bother me a bit, and I do think how it would feel to be treated as a queen by your spouse, as some woman portray it, but overall I am a happy, calmer person. The thought that I would die without him has been replaced by a more practical thought, that him not being there would be difficult but it won’t kill me and if not for him then there would be someone else, loving me as much to fill the hole, that is how God has planned it. I don’t feel the urge to text him all the time, I don’t mind if he doesn’t call me anymore, I don’t feel the need to ask him for affection, attention and love. As a result, I feel grateful even if he gives me a little, I feel more fulfilled and I appreciate his little efforts more, which were lost on me before.

Always, give your best to your spouse, give your all, stand by him through every difficulty, don’t think of abandoning him if he doesn’t serve your needs, think about making your life better and your life can only be better if YOU are a happy, fulfilled, complete person, who is independent emotionally. So, don’t go after your husbands, he’ll only go farther away from you. If he wants to go to another woman, you can not stop him. So let him go. First, the thought of my husband in the arms of another woman would set me on fire, but now, I would only feel betrayal but it won’t *hurt* me like before because I understand that he is a whole independent human being and so am I.

Be happy. Be strong!

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Sanctuary

Society’s a crazy breed. In mine, once you’re married, your husband’s home is your home. He’s your protector. Your parents may have existed an hour ago, but,

once you sign those papers,

once you say ‘I do,’

you’re foreign.

And just like that, I’m foreign to them. I may live with them, I may share their lives, but I’m no longer a sole-being. Another being exists with me and I exist with him. I may be independent, but I’m no longer ‘me.’

Before, any little worry and I used to find my mother’s lap. I knew that if the world left me, I’ll have my family and everything would be like it was before.

I got married and things changed.

I still have my family and I’ll always have them, but my mother’s lap is not going to be enough for me. I know that if the world leaves me, if my husband leaves me, I’ll have my family and nothing would be the same again.

So, I’ll say this much;

Dear Husband,

When things get rough, don’t shut me out. Because when you do, I feel you’ve tied my hands and there’s no way I can reach out to you. That’s my worst fear, making it harder to breath for me. Choking me like somebody knocked the air out of my lungs.

When things get rough, don’t let your ego, take the best of you. You’re so much better than that. Your closed door, is more painful than you saying a thousand words in anger, which you don’t mean. You’re my sanctuary, my safe adobe. I don’t have a place to go to where my worries would be gone. Everything is with you, my good and my bad. My mother’s lap is no more enough for me. After God, I want your shoulder.

When things get rough, don’t shut down. We’re two different people merged into one. We’re new and not so open. Don’t assume, what you don’t know about, what’s not so clear to you. I know you better than you know me.

When things get rough, I cry at times. When your words, your attitude, punches holes through my heart. Why? Because I come with a baggage of my own. Life has taught you much, yet it has to teach me much. I harbor big fears. Will you be there while I overcome my fears?

When things get rough, I don’t for a moment stop loving you.

And that’s the essence of me.

Love,

Your Wife.

Realizations.

In a relationship, we claim to love all the time. On every instance, every little thing. We are happy because we love. We are sad because we love. We get hurt because we love. We get ecstatic because we love. We expect because we love. Love. Love. Love. Though it is true on so many levels, but it is also what screws us up.

Last night, I had a fight with my husband and I didn’t let him sleep till after, midnight, when I was alright. From my perspective, I loved him therefore, I was hurt, and he had to clean up his mess. But where I went wrong was that love, is all about putting the other person above you. It’s not about expectations and consumption. Love is about giving. I tell him in every fight that he doesn’t know what it takes to love someone, but what I realized in the past few days was, that he’s the one who puts my needs above him. There’s not a thing he won’t do to make me happy, but he just won’t state it. I may express more, by shouting it out to the world, how much he means to me, but his actions create a simple abode which my words fail to create. A magical tune, which sings through my soul. A simple touch, which shakes my core. He amazes and frightens me at the same time, because when I look at him, I see a part of me and all our demons sync well with one another.

Maybe one day, we’ll learn, that people are meant to be cherished only, in every state, and to accept them, is their fundamental right.

Maybe one day, I’ll understand the song he’s singing and my tune would match his. But, for now, I’ll stay lost in the aura his song emanates.

Emotional Security

Sometimes relationships get so messed up that they come to a deadlock. No communication works, until one steps down and stops agonizing the other person.

Image Why do we want a constant in our spouses feelings for us? Why are we so drunk on  the idea of love that we always want them to give us their whole attention? Maybe,  because we give them ours and because men, in this region of the world, can’t bear  a woman who has a life of her own. But, even loyal, devoted, dutiful wives like us  need a break at times. There are times when I’m not so obsessed with him, when so  much is happening around me that I forget about him for a moment, when I don’t  miss him for days, in fact, I hardly miss him at all. Then why do I have such great  expectations from him? I think, that it is in us to punish people for their honesty.    We can’t hear the truth and living in reality is definitely not what we want, at such a  young age. We’re drunk on the idea of love and love stories, love poems just mess  us up more. Ingraining this in our minds that falling in love is all about unicorns  and roses. What movies fail to tell us that sustaining love is what’s the real task  ahead. Sustaining love demands sacrifice, it gives you pain at times but it also gives  you a bunch of roses. It may not be as addicting as the love they show in movies,  but it’s a stronger kind of love, which grows and you grow with it. This man is not  perfect, but he makes you perfect by giving you that security that you always  craved for in a relationship. He may crib, act like a child, is careless and may lash  out at you when you tell him he’s wrong, but he also craves for your attention and  your love. And this is what’s worth all the sacrifice for.

I believe, when one becomes emotionally secure and stops fearing that the person they love might leave them, is when they set them free and start understanding why the other person can’t be obsessed by them at all times.