Awakening

marriage-cartoon-proposal

As I lay last night in my bed, I pondered how much I’ve learned these past few months of being married and living apart from my husband. Initially, I derived every feeling, happiness, joy, sadness, *insert a hundred others here*, from my husband ‘I’. If he stopped talking or we had a fight, my whole evening would be spent sobbing, sagging, wailing and whining, being resentful towards him. Consequently in the morning, I’d blame him for making me go through hell, my swollen eyes and, at times, my runny nose *clears throat*. So, months passed by, whenever I didn’t get any of the above from him I would go hysterical, thinking my life had ended and that I’d die without him and more emotional ridiculously romantic thoughts. Until one day, when I was going through the same exhaustively-emotional-traumatic routine and I threatened him with divorce and suicide, that is when he called my mother, telling her what a pain in the ass her daughter had been. THAT day, was the turning point in my life! God has a way of taking you out of the dark pit, indeed.

In my last post, I mentioned how my marriage was falling apart and I didn’t know how to put it right. Well, it was I who was falling apart. I was lost, completely helpless because I had written down the formula of my life all wrong. My life equation had one variable and that was my husband “I”. So I struggled, with a mere human, to give me everything, which I was missing. I thought of him as my knight in shinning armor, as my prince charming and my man who’d sweep me off my feet and ride me to my happily ever after. I was wrong. He still is my hero, but he’s not my prince charming or my knight anymore, because that would be expecting too much from a human who has his own baggage. He’s stronger than me, physically but God has made me the one with strong brains and emotions and so I discovered my strength. 

After he called my mother the second time, narrating all I had done through his eyes. I was shocked, because I didn’t expect that my prince actually thought this about me and that “the one” would ever be fed up of me. Because in my view, I had found a man who would complete me, who’d take everything and still be mine. Who would give me the world and make me the queen. So all my dreams came down with a bang! 

Now, I’m sitting here listening to songs, singing to myself and feeling eternally happy even though, I’ve fought with my husband, again (well, can’t help that). You would probably ask why? Because I realized that if there was anybody in this world who could make me happy, that was ME. It was all about choosing the path I wanted to take, to be weak enough or to be strong enough. So I chose to be strong. I still fight with ‘I’, in fact, at times, I even feel hated by him, and daily he reminds me how inadequate and flawed I am, the hatred part does bother me a bit, and I do think how it would feel to be treated as a queen by your spouse, as some woman portray it, but overall I am a happy, calmer person. The thought that I would die without him has been replaced by a more practical thought, that him not being there would be difficult but it won’t kill me and if not for him then there would be someone else, loving me as much to fill the hole, that is how God has planned it. I don’t feel the urge to text him all the time, I don’t mind if he doesn’t call me anymore, I don’t feel the need to ask him for affection, attention and love. As a result, I feel grateful even if he gives me a little, I feel more fulfilled and I appreciate his little efforts more, which were lost on me before.

Always, give your best to your spouse, give your all, stand by him through every difficulty, don’t think of abandoning him if he doesn’t serve your needs, think about making your life better and your life can only be better if YOU are a happy, fulfilled, complete person, who is independent emotionally. So, don’t go after your husbands, he’ll only go farther away from you. If he wants to go to another woman, you can not stop him. So let him go. First, the thought of my husband in the arms of another woman would set me on fire, but now, I would only feel betrayal but it won’t *hurt* me like before because I understand that he is a whole independent human being and so am I.

Be happy. Be strong!

Today, I want to pour my heart here. My marriage has fallen apart and I don’t know how to make it work anymore.

I feel broken, hurt and exhausted. I feel like a complete failure who figured it out all wrong and went on like a crazy child. I gave my heart to my husband too much and too soon. He can’t keep me happy the way he’s going about right now. He can only hurt and break me. There wouldn’t have been a bride so unhappy and sad.

There was a time when I was happy. When we were happy but I don’t know what went wrong?

My mother told me, don’t spend yourself too much on people. She was right, I spent myself too much, thought him to be everything and then lost all. I want him, true. But, I want everything with respect. What more to give him that we’ll be happy again?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6miaTf1gF4g

Do you remember love
Love from a tormented heart
Not fleeting, as with music at night
But an eternal love
Now tainted
Now tainted
Go now and reclaim it
Go now and love

Recall the times
when you were happy.
Recall the times
when you laughed.

Life is wonderful
Do you have faith in it?
Turn your face to life,
To eternal joy.

What happened to those days?
What happened to those nights?
Do you remember
How you turned to grief? Do you remember
How you turned to sorrow?
Is the blame mine or ours?

Our feelings grew faint
What caused our grief and fighting?
Can there be beauty in life?
If you seek it out.
Can there be happiness in life?
Let’s seek it.

 

Reclaim it.

People do not love you with all your faults. That kind of thing, only happens in the movies.

Never open up to someone, except your parents. They’ll respect you, love you, support you, keep your secrets and never throw them on your face.

But, never trust someone else with yourself. Save yourself.

Even if you have made the mistake of showing other people your weakness or have trusted them blindly with yourself, take it back. Shut every wall that leads to them knowing you or having any right over you. Never trust anyone with yourself.

Close and shut down.

Sanctuary

Society’s a crazy breed. In mine, once you’re married, your husband’s home is your home. He’s your protector. Your parents may have existed an hour ago, but,

once you sign those papers,

once you say ‘I do,’

you’re foreign.

And just like that, I’m foreign to them. I may live with them, I may share their lives, but I’m no longer a sole-being. Another being exists with me and I exist with him. I may be independent, but I’m no longer ‘me.’

Before, any little worry and I used to find my mother’s lap. I knew that if the world left me, I’ll have my family and everything would be like it was before.

I got married and things changed.

I still have my family and I’ll always have them, but my mother’s lap is not going to be enough for me. I know that if the world leaves me, if my husband leaves me, I’ll have my family and nothing would be the same again.

So, I’ll say this much;

Dear Husband,

When things get rough, don’t shut me out. Because when you do, I feel you’ve tied my hands and there’s no way I can reach out to you. That’s my worst fear, making it harder to breath for me. Choking me like somebody knocked the air out of my lungs.

When things get rough, don’t let your ego, take the best of you. You’re so much better than that. Your closed door, is more painful than you saying a thousand words in anger, which you don’t mean. You’re my sanctuary, my safe adobe. I don’t have a place to go to where my worries would be gone. Everything is with you, my good and my bad. My mother’s lap is no more enough for me. After God, I want your shoulder.

When things get rough, don’t shut down. We’re two different people merged into one. We’re new and not so open. Don’t assume, what you don’t know about, what’s not so clear to you. I know you better than you know me.

When things get rough, I cry at times. When your words, your attitude, punches holes through my heart. Why? Because I come with a baggage of my own. Life has taught you much, yet it has to teach me much. I harbor big fears. Will you be there while I overcome my fears?

When things get rough, I don’t for a moment stop loving you.

And that’s the essence of me.

Love,

Your Wife.

31 Red Flags That A Guy Is Not Worth Your Time

What every woman needs. So apt and true!

Thought Catalog

1. You have no idea what he saw in any of his exes. None of them are very nice, or the kind of person you’d want to hang out with.

2. The things he always says that he likes in you have to do with superficial things — your looks, your style, your social status, etc.

3. He is really concerned with appearances, and what other people think of him, to the point where you’re not sure if he’s doing something for himself or for how impressed other people are going to be.

4. When the two of you are alone together, he’s constantly checking his phone.

5. You are never fully comfortable being naked around him, because there’s a part of you that always feels like you’re not attractive or thin enough.

6. He’s made weird comments about your body before that make you never even want to be…

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Realizations.

In a relationship, we claim to love all the time. On every instance, every little thing. We are happy because we love. We are sad because we love. We get hurt because we love. We get ecstatic because we love. We expect because we love. Love. Love. Love. Though it is true on so many levels, but it is also what screws us up.

Last night, I had a fight with my husband and I didn’t let him sleep till after, midnight, when I was alright. From my perspective, I loved him therefore, I was hurt, and he had to clean up his mess. But where I went wrong was that love, is all about putting the other person above you. It’s not about expectations and consumption. Love is about giving. I tell him in every fight that he doesn’t know what it takes to love someone, but what I realized in the past few days was, that he’s the one who puts my needs above him. There’s not a thing he won’t do to make me happy, but he just won’t state it. I may express more, by shouting it out to the world, how much he means to me, but his actions create a simple abode which my words fail to create. A magical tune, which sings through my soul. A simple touch, which shakes my core. He amazes and frightens me at the same time, because when I look at him, I see a part of me and all our demons sync well with one another.

Maybe one day, we’ll learn, that people are meant to be cherished only, in every state, and to accept them, is their fundamental right.

Maybe one day, I’ll understand the song he’s singing and my tune would match his. But, for now, I’ll stay lost in the aura his song emanates.

Musings from a World lost

The harsh, cold, sardonic laugh rings in her head, again. The same pain they once inflicted upon her soul. The same mocking smile lingering on their lips. She clutches those memories to her bosom. Bereft of hope and dignity. She’s a prisoner of her own soul. A promise once made in the heat of the day, can not be broken in the cold of the night. Words once spoken under the scorching sun, come back to mock you in the serene moon light. She looks around, gasping for breath, the walls around closing in and gradually her illusions take the form of reality. Her vision comes into focus and she screams at the top of her voice;

Let there be someone?

Let there be someone?

Let there be someone!

She looks at her reflection in the lake below. Astounded, she finds herself sleeping in a cocoon, weaving dreams into reality. She was meant to be a butterfly. They told her so, but there was something amiss. Something, that made people wonder at the sadness behind her smile. She knew, she would never find her wings to take her home. The realization had dawned upon her; she lost herself among the crowd that day. Amidst the cheers and hurrah’s, the blow of horns and the sound of drums. She danced to it all, danced to the tune of her demise. Don’t you remember?