Today, I want to pour my heart here. My marriage has fallen apart and I don’t know how to make it work anymore.

I feel broken, hurt and exhausted. I feel like a complete failure who figured it out all wrong and went on like a crazy child. I gave my heart to my husband too much and too soon. He can’t keep me happy the way he’s going about right now. He can only hurt and break me. There wouldn’t have been a bride so unhappy and sad.

There was a time when I was happy. When we were happy but I don’t know what went wrong?

My mother told me, don’t spend yourself too much on people. She was right, I spent myself too much, thought him to be everything and then lost all. I want him, true. But, I want everything with respect. What more to give him that we’ll be happy again?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6miaTf1gF4g

Do you remember love
Love from a tormented heart
Not fleeting, as with music at night
But an eternal love
Now tainted
Now tainted
Go now and reclaim it
Go now and love

Recall the times
when you were happy.
Recall the times
when you laughed.

Life is wonderful
Do you have faith in it?
Turn your face to life,
To eternal joy.

What happened to those days?
What happened to those nights?
Do you remember
How you turned to grief? Do you remember
How you turned to sorrow?
Is the blame mine or ours?

Our feelings grew faint
What caused our grief and fighting?
Can there be beauty in life?
If you seek it out.
Can there be happiness in life?
Let’s seek it.

 

Reclaim it.

People do not love you with all your faults. That kind of thing, only happens in the movies.

Never open up to someone, except your parents. They’ll respect you, love you, support you, keep your secrets and never throw them on your face.

But, never trust someone else with yourself. Save yourself.

Even if you have made the mistake of showing other people your weakness or have trusted them blindly with yourself, take it back. Shut every wall that leads to them knowing you or having any right over you. Never trust anyone with yourself.

Close and shut down.

Sanctuary

Society’s a crazy breed. In mine, once you’re married, your husband’s home is your home. He’s your protector. Your parents may have existed an hour ago, but,

once you sign those papers,

once you say ‘I do,’

you’re foreign.

And just like that, I’m foreign to them. I may live with them, I may share their lives, but I’m no longer a sole-being. Another being exists with me and I exist with him. I may be independent, but I’m no longer ‘me.’

Before, any little worry and I used to find my mother’s lap. I knew that if the world left me, I’ll have my family and everything would be like it was before.

I got married and things changed.

I still have my family and I’ll always have them, but my mother’s lap is not going to be enough for me. I know that if the world leaves me, if my husband leaves me, I’ll have my family and nothing would be the same again.

So, I’ll say this much;

Dear Husband,

When things get rough, don’t shut me out. Because when you do, I feel you’ve tied my hands and there’s no way I can reach out to you. That’s my worst fear, making it harder to breath for me. Choking me like somebody knocked the air out of my lungs.

When things get rough, don’t let your ego, take the best of you. You’re so much better than that. Your closed door, is more painful than you saying a thousand words in anger, which you don’t mean. You’re my sanctuary, my safe adobe. I don’t have a place to go to where my worries would be gone. Everything is with you, my good and my bad. My mother’s lap is no more enough for me. After God, I want your shoulder.

When things get rough, don’t shut down. We’re two different people merged into one. We’re new and not so open. Don’t assume, what you don’t know about, what’s not so clear to you. I know you better than you know me.

When things get rough, I cry at times. When your words, your attitude, punches holes through my heart. Why? Because I come with a baggage of my own. Life has taught you much, yet it has to teach me much. I harbor big fears. Will you be there while I overcome my fears?

When things get rough, I don’t for a moment stop loving you.

And that’s the essence of me.

Love,

Your Wife.